Selfish

I took time to learn everything about you to show you that I care. Because small things matter a lot than we think. I fought so hard to remind you that I'll always be there whilst I was internally bleeding. I needed to distract myself from how self-destructive I was.

I hadn't realised that I was trying to use you to prove to myself that I am capable of having any form of human emotion. I am sorry for my behaviour. No one should ever be used to prove a point even if it's positive.

Many times as human beings we tend to ignore the small signs because we think it's a phase that will simply pass by. 5 relationships down the road; repeating the same cycle with a new person just showed me how selfish I was and instead of working on myself, I kept trying to prove to myself that I am "not selfish;" that "I care, I am capable of loving." 

What I didn't realise was how many people I led on and lied to and abruptly left when I got bored or when things got so complicated. After years of being lost, hating myself, and deep self-reflection I decided I need to deal with my demons. 

I had taken my mental health for granted.  "The environment around me has a stigma about mental health," I kept using this as an excuse to run away from dealing with the root of my problems. 

I bled for years and I've made people bleed too. People who didn't deserve it.

 I apologise to all those who were affected by my behaviour. I am sorry.